Speaking Volumes

A royal flush in poker is a straight , ranking from Ace high. In this case though, that's not the kind of flush I'm talking about. You could call this blog Get the scoop on p__p but hey, this is a family website and some might object.

I truly wish I could hire Andy Rooney to ghost write this blog for me as I'm certain he would better capture my frustration at toilet shopping. Only he could do the topic justice with his unique sense of humorous sarcasm.

What could be easier than buying a toilet? We consider ourselves experienced toilet buyers as we've bought two in the past couple of years. We've narrowed them down to comfort height (at least 16"), elongated bowl, biscuit color, a complete kit, in stock and on the shelf, and under $250. Simple, you'd think. Aw, but there's many new choices and less water in the mix since the last ones we bought.

Our last toilets had flush ratings of 1.6 gpf (gallons per flush) but most today sport a green 1.28 gpf. When you consider prior to 1960 most toilets used a whopping 7 gallons, we've come along way in water conservation. In 1994, the federal government in their infinite wisdom, passed a law banning anything above 1.6 gpf (Toilet History).Toilet manufacturers took this to heart and have been lowering the water level ever since. This sounds good until you flush. We have yet to find the perfect toilet, one that completely removes all evidence of your business and a leaves a clean bowl too. Not only has the gpf been changed but they keep fiddling with the tank flap apparatus too. The swirl in the bowl is gone but the waste remains.

I've checked Consumer Reports (August 2009 toilet ratings issue), Consumer Search, Epinions, and most company websites. I'm so confused. What's the difference between a 4 star or 5 star flush, or a metered clock rating of 8 or 10? Is a 2" or 3" flush value better, a 2 1/8 or a 3" trap, or a class 5 or 6 brand the best? Who determines whether a brand rates a water saving seal of approval? What store stocks what brand, and what color is not a special order driving the price sky high?

I spent more time watching video clips of flushing toilets on Youtube than I'd care to admit. These were fun to watch but left me more confused. The companies boast that you can flush 8 hot dogs in one, 2.5 lbs. of chicken mcnuggets in another and 3 banana peels in yet another. American Standard's Champion 4 and Cadet 3's can flush at least 20 golf balls. Other companies make similar or crazier claims. Regular toilet users have posted their own toilet flushing tests too, with some funny results but these were probably the most helpful. You've got to appreciate these adventurous souls who have experimented with blue dye, kitty litter, socks and such with varying degrees of success.

After all. it's not like you can try before you buy or even open the box to see what kind of flapper mechanism it has.

We're off to buy a new toilet this afternoon. I'm voting for the Champ!but it's anyone's guess what the end product will be. Hopefully one that produces a royal flush!

If you're buying a toilet or remodeling a bathroom may I offer

the magazine databases @ www.iconn.org
product reviews @ www.consumersearch.com

Fine Homebuilding, Family Handyman or other magazines in our collection

Better homes and gardens bathroom planner .

Bed & bath : decorating ideas & projects / [edited by Linda Hallam]. ;

And try these just for fun:

The big necessity : the unmentionable world of human waste and why it matters / Rose George. ;

DVD The Pope's Toilet
"It's 1988, and Melo, an Uruguayan town on the Brazilian border, awaits the visit of Pope John Paul II. 50,000 people are expected to attend, and the most humble locals believe that selling food and drink to the multitude will just about make them rich. Petty smuggler Beto thinks he has the best idea of all--he decides he will build a WC in front of his house and charge for its use. His efforts bring about unexpected consequences, and the final results will surprise everyone

Captain Underpants and the attack of the talking toilets : another epic novel / by Dav Pilkey.

Ivy + Bean and the ghost that had to go / written by Annie Barrows ; illustrated by Sophie Blackall.